Behind Closed Doors: Don’t Be A Joker; Wrap Up Your Poker.

Boys do not like wearing condoms. Girls know that, boys know that, everyone knows that. One guy once told me “it’s like wearing a shoe on your penis, a shoe that’s too big for you…a lot like a clown’s shoe!”

Condoms are great; they prevent many unwanteds from being passed from person to person whether that’s sperm, STDs or SDIs. Apart from their application causing a slight hiccough the natural flow of sex, I actually prefer to use condoms. For me they’re the best contraception. You know exactly where you stand with a condom; when it’s failed it splits right the way open for you to see, when someone ‘forgets’ to put one on its perfectly obvious and then when you’re done all those little reproductive blighters go straight in the bin preventing them from swimming around your vagina for up to the next five days.

However, as I start to list scenarios I’ve been in where boys have been reluctant to put a ‘glove’ on it, the worrying reality is that it’s happened too many times for me to be able to detail each one individually. Here are the big offenders:

  • The guy that came half inside me after he removed the condom that I’d put on with my mouth.
  • The lad who point blank refused to put a condom on because in the spur of the moment I’d allowed us to have unprotected the last time I’d seen him. It didn’t matter that I’d had a sexual health screening since then or thought better of it this time.
  • The chap who I put a condom on when foreplay was turning into penetration but when our foreplay extended (and the condom got removed) he ‘forgot’ to put on another before entering me.
  • The gent that was adamant, to a painful degree, that the ‘pull out’ method was a legitimate form of contraception.

Furthermore (most of) these guys are good wholesome, educated men. From my list of people who have taken issue with wrapping their ‘salami’ I can pick out nurses, teachers, bankers, engineers and medics – people who should unarguably know better.

There’s a strong argument that removing a condom constitutes non-consensual sex, rape. When I consent to having protected sex with someone, put a condom on them, then they remove it before entering me without my knowledge then that is a violation of my body and my trust. I then need to get tested, risk pregnancy and need to get tested again three months down the line. They need to get tested, risk becoming a farther unexpectedly and need to make a date three months later for a retest.

I understand that it sucks to have to pull away from each other after minutes (or even seconds) of kissing, cuddling, licking, biting, sucking and/or grinding. It is ridiculously tough to walk away from penetration if you don’t have a condom to hand. I’ve not done it often. Usually I’m so sexually charged that I’d rather take the risk than go without! Absurd.

I’ve been very lucky. I get myself tested regularly and the vast majority of the time I know the background of the people I’m sleeping with, but that isn’t enough. ‘He says, she says’ doesn’t cut the mustard when it comes to your sexual health because only you know your own sexual history and anything someone tells you could be bullshit. But what man would bullshit to get out of cloaking his crown jewels?…I heard no one ask, ever.

My advice is to be prepared. Carry five condoms in your handbag, two in your jeans pocket, three in your purse and keep at least 20 in your bedside table. Remember, if you don’t explicitly trust someone you should always use a form of barrier contraception. I love Feedoms for cheap condoms and if you know you’re likely to be having a lot of sex in the next year or so stockpile! I’ve bought several boxes of 144 in my lifetime and my only regret has been not keeping them closer to hand.


2 thoughts on “Behind Closed Doors: Don’t Be A Joker; Wrap Up Your Poker.

    1. Haha I think he may have been exaggerating a little to avoid wearing one.

      I think you’re right, there are some really great condoms available in this day and age…although I will never know what it feels to wear one so I can only speculate!


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